your parents love me but you hate me
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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