i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize