She's JV to your varsity
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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