if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
