we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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