Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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