just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
My pussy is not your playground.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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