It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
she smelled like a LAN party
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
