I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
