yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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