Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
