Already got asked if we're dating
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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