What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
