his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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