Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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