Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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