i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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