I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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