he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
