I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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