Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
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