Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
