i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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