But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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