I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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