God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
