I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
