new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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