Cold hands, warm shart.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
