I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
