i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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