I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
