They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
We are all done wearing pants today
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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