i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
