I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
