Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
