pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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