So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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