So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
