how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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