Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
