My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
barbara walters just said penis...
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
