I puked a lego.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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