her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
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