Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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