I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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