Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
