I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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