I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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