It's like God shit irony all over that family
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
