So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
