I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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