Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
