Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
