Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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