My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
