My sheets look like a crime scene.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
