it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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