She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
